How Not to Enjoy your Vacation
by DowagerMcGonagall
Summary: May went on vacation but she seems to run into problems everywhere she goes. She obviously doesn't know how to stay out of trouble. It must have something to do with being a SHIELD Agent.
1. Lesson 1

I own nothing.

* * *

 _Lesson 1: Don't get captured by your enemy_

* * *

"What's going on?" asked Skye as a large number of armed men ran towards the airplane hangar.

"A quinjet is landing." responded Hunter

"So why all the fuss?"

"We're not expecting anyone today." said Bobbi walking up to the pair

"So we're being infiltrated?" asked Skye as the three of them walk to the hangar.

"Very poorly." said Mack now joining them.

The four of them watched the hangar opened and soon after a quinjet slowly landed in front of them.

Coulson walked towards the jet and held up a megaphone and spoke:

"Whoever is in there, give up now. I don't know who you are but if you want to live drop your weapons and come out with you hands up."

As soon as he finished, the ramp was lowered and the armed men immediately pointed their guns towards the jet when they noticed that it was covered in blood. When no one exited the jet, Coulson sent three of the armed men into the plane.

"Director, its Agent May. She barely breathing." yelled one of the men from inside the plane

At this Coulson dropped the megaphone and ran towards the jet.

"Someone get a gurney and tell Simmons that we have incoming." yelled Bobbi as Coulson exited the jet carrying a bloody and bruised May.

"Wasn't she supposed to be on vacation? Where'd she get the jet from?" asked Mack to Hunter as they were the only two left in the hangar.

"May lives mysteriously, so of course she has to vacation mysteriously. Come on let's see if we can find out where the jet came from."

* * *

"She's lost a lot of blood, has a slight concussion, a couple of broken ribs, and some internal bleeding. She stopped breathing during the initial examination so we had to put her on a ventilator." said Simmons to the team

"Any idea on how this happened? Who did this?" asked Skye

"Hard to say. She has some defensive wounds but her hands look like she was tied up. Fitz is going through her personal effects."

"Anything from the jet?" asked Coulson

"Nothing. The jet is programmed to wipe its previous locations after each takeoff." answered Mack

Soon after this Fitz came running to them carrying a note and a USB.

"These were the only things on her. The USB contains a bunch of files that I can't make heads of tails of."

"This is only the beginning. Here's hoping she's alive by the time she gets to you, Ward." said Hunter reading the note out loud after taking it from Fitz

"There's no way he should have been able to do what he did to May by himself. Someone better tell me how he was able to get his hands on her." said Coulson in anger

"Well she was on vacation, her guard was down. It could happen to anyone." said Bobbi

"Not May, never May. Even on vacation she knows how to be careful. Okay I need to know what's on the USB, see if you can find May's last whereabouts, and how Ward was able to find her." said Coulson before walking into the May's room.

* * *

It has almost been a week since May came back from her vacation. She started breathing on her own three days since returning but has yet to wake up. Coulson and Skye have been regular visitors of May, the former always sitting there watching May heal and the latter constantly working on her laptop.

"This is getting me nowhere. I've tried everything and nothing is working!" yelled Skye in frustration

"Encryption?" asked Coulson lifting his eyes from May's body for the first time in days.

"Yep and its something I've never seen before. Every file I open is written in some weird language. Its like a combination of Chinese and English but when translated it doesn't make any sense. For all I know this is could be May's secret diary. What's so funny? Does May actually have a secret diary?"

"Just print off all the pages and gather everyone in the kitchen. Oh and bring extra papers and pencils. We're going to need them."

Its been an hour since Coulson explained how to understand the files and the team has managed to get through most of them.

"This has got to be the most complicated word decryption I've ever done. I can't believe you guys made this up while in the Academy." said Bobbi to Coulson

"We were bored and thought it would be funny. Obviously its not that funny when the encryption is over a hundred pages."

"You don't say. Anyone have any idea what this is about any way." said Hunter while sipping a beer

"You would know if you've done something other than drink. Have you done anything this whole time?" asked Mack

"I've entertained you guys with my witty commentary."

"This is not good. This is not good at all." said Fitz holding up the page that he was translating and handing it over to Coulson who read the page and walked out of the room.

"What's not good Fitz?" asked Simmons

"Ward, I think he took control of Hydra. May must have stumbled onto it and was gathering information before she was caught."

"With the amount of information gathered, she must have been watching them for days. No wonder Ward was angry." said Mack

"He was more than angry. Where's Coulson?" said May who was obviously having trouble standing.

"How long have you been awake? You shouldn't be out of bed." said Simmons running over to May and easing her into the chair that Coulson just vacated.

"I just woke up. How long was I out?"

"Almost a week. So, how was your Maycation?" asked Skye

* * *

 _Two weeks ago_

 _She's been traveling for months, visiting beaches, jungles, and your classic tourist destinations before something exciting happened. Well something exciting according to her but most likely dangerous according to anyone who was sane and supposed to be on vacation._

 _She was in an underground casino in Italy when she heard the word from a pair of men. Hydra. She understood enough Italian to know that something bad was happening with Hydra. Again. Her night just got worse and there was only one way to make it better._

 _Question the two men who gave her the answers that she required after a little persuasion...from her fists. Hey its been awhile since she got to hit someone._

 _She was back in the States a day later and soon found the location of the new Hydra camp._

 _She's been watching them for a couple of days when a quinjet lands. Which most likely means that someone of importance was arriving. If she could get eyes on the head she could possibly take them out or even get a photo or name of the person to take back to SHIELD._

 _So she hardcore parkoured it (as Skye would say) up to an open window, snuck in, and found a hiding place behind some crates. Down below there was some sort of meeting happening._

 _All she can hear is what sounds like a familiar Italian accent. Great one of the punks she had a persuasive conversation with was here. Which means that its only a matter of time before...Why is everything going dark?_

 _"Wakey Wakey."_

 _Ugh Ward. What's he doing here?_

 _"Hello May."_

 _Both her legs and hands were bound. Guess she wasn't running out of here._

 _"Ward."_

 _"Its great to see you."_

 _"I wish I could say the same."_

 _He laughs at this. "We're going to have some fun today. Boys some of you are already familiar with her but this is Agent May aka The Cavalry. She is a very important person in the SHIELD organization but she is now a guest, well an uninvited guest in our house. Let's show her how we treat our uninvited guests."_

 _She was now hanging from the ceiling and Ward's "boys" were lining up in front of her._

 _"You can't kill me Ward."_

 _"After we're done with you. You're going to wish you were dead."_

 _"Highly unlikely but okay."_

 _A rather tall man with bruises appeared in front of her._

 _"I believe you're familiar with Tony. You beat up him and his brother in Italy the other night. So Tony, anything you want to say to May here."_

 _Tony responds with his fists._

 _By the end of the line there's a lot of blood, mostly hers. She's also pretty sure some of her ribs are broken. When she opened her eyes there was only one person left in the room._

 _Ward. Of course he was last. He holds up a piece of paper and puts it in her pocket._

 _"Give this to Coulson. It was a pleasure seeing you May."_

 _"You're letting me go?"_

 _"In a way. She's dead because of you. I thought she was you so I killed her. I'm going to kill you one day, just not today. You need to suffer and this is a good start."_

 _He's really lost it. Especially since he's pointing a gun at her now. Time to go._

 _"I think I may have overstayed my welcome."_

 _When Ward was close enough, she kicked him in the stomach which sent him flying back as his gun went off. The bullet ripped threw the rope above her hands and she was on the ground. She quickly undid the rope around her feet and began to escape as fast as she could considering she's having trouble breathing. She definitely has broken ribs._

 _She didn't run into anyone on her way out. They probably went out to lunch after working up an appetite after beating her up. What gentlemen. She can't out run Ward in her condition so she either needs to hide or find the…_

 _Quinjet! And what looks like to be their only one. This day is slowly getting better._

 _"Here's hoping I can make it to the cockpit."_

 _She stumbles up the ramp and barely makes it to the pilot's chair. She types in the Playgrounds coordinates, cloaks the jet, and puts it on autopilot._

 _"I just need to stay alive until I reach the base."_

* * *

"It was a-May-zing. Get it. You said Maycation and I said a-May-zing. Oh no, how much morphine and other drugs am I on?"

* * *

Thanks for reading. What trouble should May get into during her vacation? I'll take suggestions if you got any. They don't have to be related to this.


	2. Lesson 2

I own nothing.

* * *

 _Lesson 2: No matter how much you want to don't run towards the screams and the explosions_

* * *

The sun was setting over the ocean when she heard it. People screaming out in terror and running to their cars. Away from the gunfire. She however walked over to the now empty bar and poured herself a drink. Several drinks.

She should just leave and let the local authorities deal with it. She's supposed to be on vacation, a normal citizen. She shouldn't get involved.

 _Boom._

Great explosions. Why do explosions always have to happen around her? Explosions were definitely not something the local authorities could handle. Maybe she could just call….is that Hunter. Why is he lying facedown in the sand?

"What are you doing?"

"May? Why are you here? Why are you wearing shorts and flip flops!?" said Hunter now trying to stand up.

"I'm on vacation. What are you doing here?"

"Oh so that's what he meant when he said 'Let's hope she's not there anymore or I'm a dead man'."

"Coulson!? He knew he was coming here and didn't warn me. Where is he?"

"Over there about to get pummeled."

May looked behind her and saw Coulson and he really was about to get pummeled by a rather large man. Well now she really couldn't walk away.

"Go on vacation May. You out of everyone deserves to have a break. We'll be fine." she said to Coulson once she was by his side.

"Are you going to continue to mock me or are you going to help." said Coulson as he blocks a punch.

"Why didn't you call me?"

She punched the large man in the face and kicked him away from them.

"I didn't want to ruin your vacation."

"Look around Phil, its already ruined. You ruined my vacation."

"Well I'm sorry for messing up your vacation of a lifetime."

"No you're not."

"Yes I am. Well I'm a little bit sorry. I won't fully apologize for getting a chance to see you even if you're supposed to be on vacation. I'll leave you to it then."

"That's it? Not going to ask me when I'm returning."

"Nah. I like surprises but I do have one question."

"What?"

"Did you get me anything?"

* * *

Thanks for reading.


	3. Lesson 3

I own nothing. Got this idea from watching _Pulp Fiction._ I don't own that either.

* * *

 _Lesson 3: When a robber asks for your wallet, don't try to talk them out of it. Either knock them out or hand the wallet over._

* * *

Its breakfast time and she's eaten a lot. Pancakes, bacon, sausage, eggs, and lots of syrup. She hasn't done this in forever maybe she should get some hash browns.

"All right, this is a robbery." said a man holding up a gun.

"Nobody move or you'll get a bullet in you." said a woman who was standing on a table also holding a gun. Must be his partner. What is this _Pulp Fiction?_

Now the manager was standing up and talking and trying to reason with the armed couple. Idiot. He's going to get all of these people killed. If this were more like _Pulp Fiction_ she'd have a gun on her and Coulson would be in the bathroom.

"Okay now I want all of you to toss your wallets in the bag and this will all be over soon." said the man after he emptied the cash register in the bag that he was holding.

He collected a number of wallets before he walked over to her.

"Wallet in the bag."

"Don't have one."

"Well how were you going to pay for your meal."

"I have cash."

"Then put that in the bag."

"No."

"Pumpkin, what's going on?" asked the woman now looking at them.

Pumpkin? Seriously this is really something out of _Pulp Fiction_.

"Seems we got a vigilante over here." he answered

"Well shoot her. Problem solved!" she yelled as Pumpkin shoved his gun in her face

"Look, I'm used to having guns pointed at me. It's a daily occurrence and all you're doing is making me angrier."

"Just put your money in the bag. You're making this worse for all of us." yelled the idiot manager

"Do as the man said." said Pumpkin as he placed the bag and his hands on the table.

"Fine. You win."

She grabbed her fork, plunged it into the man's hand, took his gun, and pointed it at him. The man groaned out in pain while the woman started screaming and waving her gun around. Does she have to be so loud.

"You let him go or I'll blow your head off!"

"Sit and tell her to calm down. Tell her its going to be alright."

"Calm down Honey Bunny. Its going to be fine."

It took awhile but Honey Bunny ( _really_ ) stopped her shouting. Not before threatening to kill her if Pumpkin dies. Considering the situation it's the best outcome she could hope for.

"Now, let's see if we can settle this like civilized people. Now if this were any other day, you two would already be dead but I'm on vacation and I don't want to kill you. I'd like to help but who knows if you'll listen to me. If you don't well you're both dead but if you do we can all make it out alive. I can't let you take these people's belongings. Its not right and some of them are probably hard working people."

"There's no way we're leaving here with nothing." said the man

"As you shouldn't. Take my car keys. It's a silver beamer and there is cash in the glove compartment. Way more then you'll get out of this dump."

"How do we know you won't call the cops and tell them your car has been stolen."

"Because I don't need to have the cops in my business. What do you say?"

"We'll take the car."

"Good now leave the bag and go before I change my mind."

The man and woman ran out the door and she saw them jump into her car. Good thing its not raining since she has to walk back to the hotel after finishing her breakfast.

As she eats, she notices people staring at her. Its like they've never seen someone talk down robbers before. Probably should have just gotten violent with them. They probably would've liked that. Guess its time to go before the idiot manager calls the cops.

She threw some money on the table and walked out the diner towards her hotel.

* * *

"Random citizen saves a diner from being robbed." said the newscaster on the television

"She saved all our lives. She's a hero." said the manager

"The image is too blurry to see who the good samaritian is but everyone in the diner is grateful for her courage." finished out the newscaster

"That is some _Pulp Fiction_ type stuff right there." said Fitz after the broadcast was over.

"What's this?" asked Coulson as he walked into the kitchen.

"Some woman saved a diner from being robbed. Stabbed a person with a fork and everything." responded Skye

"Sounds like something May would do. Where did this happen?" asked Coulson as the they laughs at the idea of May stabbing someone with a fork.

"Some small town in northern Maine."

"May was headed up that way last time I talked to her." said Coulson before going back to his office.

"You don't think?" asked Fitz to Skye

"Nah. May would have done more than stab them. She would've gone all violent on them and left them with multiple injuries."

* * *

Thanks for reading. If you have any suggestions as to what trouble May gets up to leave a comment.


	4. Lesson 4

Thanks for reading.

* * *

 _Lesson 4: Don't go to dinner with the annoying couple from the hotel it will only end badly._

* * *

She saw them in the lobby for the first time when she entered the hotel and she made a mental note to avoid them at all costs. She only made it two days. It happened when she was in the elevator and she saw them approaching so she quickly tapped the door close button multiple times.

It didn't work.

"I told you we would make it honey." said the man

"I was just saying that it we missed this one it would have been the third one today that's all." replied his wife

So other people are avoiding them too why wasn't she that lucky.

"Would you look at that Betsy, we're all going to the same floor." said the man pointing to the number ten that was already pressed.

"We are? What fun! Are you here with someone?"

"No."

Maybe if she keeps to one word answers they'll stop asking questions.

"Taking sometime for yourself then. We had a friend who did that once. What was her name Bruce?"

"Cynthia?"

"Right she came back with a tattoo I think."

The elevator just passed the fifth floor. Why did she get a room on the tenth floor? Gah! She needs to get out of this elevator before something bad happens.

"Would you like to get dinner with us?" said the man. Bruce, was it?

Something like that.

"What?" she said hoping she heard wrong.

"We know a great restaurant around the corner and I haven't had a conversation with another female in days. It'll be fun!" said Betsy now smiling at her.

Talking over dinner is fun? Okay time to get out of this. The elevator door's opened before she got the chance.

"We'll meet you here at seven. Wear something casual. Maybe something with some color."

They turned left out of the elevator and she turned right. At least they don't live on the same side of the hotel.

She and the couple were headed towards the restaurant when the woman, Betsy complemented her shirt. Betsy likes the color purple, says its the only color that brings out her eyes.

"I just realized we don't know your name." said Bruce as they are waiting for a table.

"Melinda."

"Well Melinda, we're glad you've decided to join us for dinner."

More liked forced but who cares.

"It was nice of you to invite me. Excuse me, I'm going to go to the ladies room."

Hoping to make a quick exit she walked towards the back of the restaurant before running into someone.

"May?"

"Ward? What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same question along with who else is here with you?"

"Look can we speed this up. I want to kill you. You want to kill me. I'll win and you'll be butt hurt about it. I really don't have time to do this with you right now."

"Oh Melinda, our table is ready. Oh hello, are you a friend of Melinda's?" asked Betsy

"Sort of, we just ran into each other. I had no idea she was here but I was just saying hello." answered Ward

"Oh well you must join us for dinner. Any friend of Melinda's is a friend of ours. Come, come." said Betsy now walking away from them towards their table

"Do you know this woman?" asked Ward now wary that its some sort of trap as he followed Betsy.

"We just met. I'm having dinner with her and her husband and so are you apparently."

At least things were getting interesting.

After introductions were made the waiter took their order. She ordered the steak mainly for the knife that came along with it. She already hid her fork and knife, Ward as well. This was not going to end well.

"So how do you two know each other?" asked Bruce

"We used to work together." answered Ward apparently enjoying this more than she was.

"Not anymore. Why?"

"There was a fallout."

"That's an understatement." she said now slightly glaring at Ward

"We still see each other from time to time. So its all good."

"Well that's lovely. Its always a good thing when you see old friends." said Betsy when the waiter leaves them with their food.

"Are you on vacation as well?" asked Bruce to Ward

"As well? No I'm here on business. You didn't seem like one for vacations, May."

"You never really did know me that well. What business do you have here?"

"You'll find out eventually."

Well that's not good. Not good at all.

Not much was said after that. The annoying couple paid for dinner, as they should. This was their idea.

"We'll let you say goodbye. We had a nice time. See you back at the hotel, Melinda." said Bruce before he and Betsy walked off.

When they were out of sight, she pushed Ward into an alley a held him at steak knife point.

"If you even think about going after them, I'll kill you."

No matter how much she didn't like the couple they don't deserve to die because they met Ward.

"I'm leaving today. Like I said I have big plans."

She knocked him out after that. Took his phone and gave his wallet to a homeless person. At least dinner came with an upside but she's taking the stairs from now on.

* * *

"Here you go." said Bobbi handing a box to Skye

"What is it?"

Bobbi shrugged as Skye opened the box.

"It's a phone from May. 'Got this off Ward. He's planning something big'."

"She runs into Ward on vacation and just sends his phone. That's not what I expected."

"I guess she's trying to relax. Let's just hope she returns with better gifts than this."

* * *

Thanks for reading. Next chapter May's visiting her mother.


	5. Lesson 5

I own nothing.

* * *

 _Les_ _son 5: Don't go to your mother's book club._

* * *

She's been at her Mother's house for a week and it was not as bad as she thought it would be. Her mom did her own thing and left her alone. It was wonderful. They always ate dinner together every night which was pleasant. Well it was until her mother brought up her monthly book club meeting.

"I have book club tomorrow tonight so you'll be on your own for dinner."

"Book club?"

"Don't look at me like that Qiaolian. There's nothing wrong with being in a book club."

"Its just so normal. It doesn't seem like you."

"Things change when you retire, you'll learn soon enough. You know you should join us."

Yeah right.

"I think I'll pass."

"You're coming. You've barely spent anytime out of the house since you arrived."

"I'm on vacation besides I haven't even read the book."

"I'll catch you up plus it'll be nice to do something together that doesn't involve people being killed. We can do finally do some proper mother-daughter bonding!"

The last time they spent quality time together it was on a joint mission between agencies and let's just say that she doesn't want to go through that again. But its book club, it can't be as bad as that. No one is supposed to die at book club but then again...nope. Not going there.

"Fine."

They arrived at the hostess' house the following evening and her mother was telling her the ins and out of what goes on during book club. Actually she was just getting a lecture in the car from her mom before they walked into the house.

"Mom I'm pretty sure I can handle book club, I've been through worse."

"Well just behave yourself, I don't want you embarrassing me tonight."

"Embarrass you? I'm an adult I know how to behave in social functions."

"And when was the last time you've been to a social function. The fact that you call them social functions is worrisome enough."

"I went to a charity gala a couple months ago."

"That doesn't count since it was an undercover job. Phillip keeps me informed of your whereabouts wherever you go out on a mission. Let's head in, we don't want to be late."

She'll need to have a chat with _Phillip_ and his apparently frequent calls to her Mother when she returns from vacation.

There were a handful of ladies there when they entered the house. A majority of the ladies asked her what she did and she gave them the answer that her mother approved of:

"I work for the government."

They didn't ask her anymore questions so she tuned them out while she drank some wine and gathered some snacks before sitting down next to her mother.

"So how's Paul?" asked Linda (the hostess) to her mother

Paul? Who is that?

"He couldn't make it today but he says hi."

"Whose Paul?" she asked confused that her mother never mentioned him to her.

"Just a friend."

"A friend that she has been seeing for the past couple months."

Months?!

"Linda, now is not the time to talk about my personal life."

What? Discussing life choices was an everyday thing with her mother but now that its her personal life being broadcasted it's off limits. Her Mother, ladies and gentlemen.

"You're right. We'll talk about it after we discuss the book."

Halfway through the discussion she excused herself to the bathroom and then went to the kitchen to see if Linda had anything stronger than wine. She couldn't find anything but she stayed in the kitchen anyway. She's in the kitchen for about thirty minutes before she hears footsteps headed toward her so like any adult she hid behind the counter.

"May?"

"Phil? What are you doing here?" she asked after popping up from behind the counter.

"I could ask you the same question."

"Mother-daughter bonding. You?"

"I used to come to you're mother's book club before I died. She called me up a couple weeks ago to see if I wanted to go. Its been awhile since I've seen everybody so I thought why not. How are you?"

"So you've been to these things a lot then. Have you met Paul?" she asked now getting in Coulson's personal space and ignoring his question on her well being.

"Paul, he's awesome..uh I mean the name rings a bell. Are they dating now or whatever the equivalent is of what people her age do together? She told me that she would tell me when they reached that point."

"She was going to tell you, why wouldn't she tell me?"

"Probably because of your reaction right now. Look, Paul's a nice guy. Trust me I did a background check on him and it wouldn't surprise me if she did as well. If there was anything wrong I would have told you."

"How come you know more about my mother's life than me? Am I a terrible daughter?" she asked after sitting down at the kitchen table.

"No, you're a wonderful daughter. Sometimes its easier to talk to someone else than their daughter about some things." he said joining her at the table.

"Maybe. How's the team?"

"Wishing they weren't cleaning the whole entire base right now. From what I was told a glitter bomb went off in the vents when they were being cleaned. It got everywhere."

"Pictures?"

"I've got one better, video." he said pulling out his phone.

She spent the rest of the evening in the kitchen with Coulson before they parted ways. She promised to contact him when she knew where she was going next.

"I want to meet Paul." she said to her mother as they were driving back home.

"He wants to meet you as well. Sorry I didn't tell you."

"Its okay, as long as you're happy."

"I am. When he arrived, Phillip was covered in glitter. Any idea how that happened?"

"Glitter bomb in the vents apparently. No idea who did it though." she said with a smirk.

"Well whoever did, learned well." her mother replied with knowing look on her face.

* * *

Thanks for reading. I may do a sequel so May could meet Paul. Good idea or Bad idea.


	6. Lesson 6

I own nothing.

* * *

 _Lesson 6: Never ride the subway. Just don't do it._

* * *

She was in New York for a couple of days before Maria Hill got in touch with her. They talked for a while before Maria said:

"I can't believe it takes a vacation for you to come and see me. Also I can't believe you're on vacation."

"Well I am and I'm in New York just to see the sights."

"And here I thought we were friends."

"Fine we can go to dinner."

That was where she was headed now but instead of taking a taxi she decided to go on the subway. It would take less time to get there if she goes this way. She was wrong besides she could have walked and made it to the restaurant faster than the subway did. Maybe she should have let Maria send a car to her hotel.

The subway car that she was in would have been empty if it weren't for the family that just came back from Coney Island. Two of the kids were hopped up on sugar and the third was asleep on her mother's lap. Even though she sat as far away as possible from the family it didn't feel like it because the hyperactive kids were running up and down the subway car. She was starting to get a headache.

She understood that the parents are tired but why couldn't the kids be tired as well. She would give anything for them to sit down and shut up.

The subway suddenly stopped and then a few moments later the lights went out.

Anything but that.

"Tommy, Walter I want you two to find a seat and don't get up until the lights turn back on." said their father holding up a lit cellphone so his sons' could see his face.

At least they were sitting down now.

Its been thirty minutes since the subway stopped and she decided to lay down on the bench that she was sitting on. Yes is not sanitary but it was uncomfortable sitting like she was for a very long time. Maybe she'll close her eyes and take a nap.

"You know that's probably dirty right." said a child's voice above her.

"Shhh. She's sleeping, Walter." said his brother

"She's faking. No one goes to sleep that fast. "

"Prove it."

She doesn't really know how this kid is going to show his brother that he was right but she felt something going on in front of her face.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." she said with her eyes still closed.

She opened her eyes and saw them jump.

"Told you, Tommy. She was faking. You know that bench is dirty right?"

"I've been in worse places."

Why did she just tell these two kids that she's been in worse places than a stopped subway car. She's going to scar them to life if they don't stop asking her questions.

"Like what?"

"I've slept in the desert once and the jungle."

"Why?"

"Its part of my job."

"Sounds like a horrible job."

"Sometimes but it has its upsides."

They left her alone after this and started whispering to themselves. She was just about to fall asleep again when she felt it. That feeling of something near her face.

"You're seriously going to try that again."

"We figured you'd be asleep by now." said Walter

"How'd you even know his finger was in front of your face? Your eyes were closed." stated Tommy

"Are you some kind of ninja?" asked his brother

"Ninjas aren't real, they're just in the movies."

"They are too real just because you haven't seen one doesn't mean they don't exist."

"I am not a ninja but that doesn't mean they aren't real. People can learn ninja ways but that doesn't make them a ninja. There are everyday people who have ninja skills but I don't think they would call themselves ninjas."

"Do you have ninja skills? Can you fight like one? Have you seen one?"

Before she could answer the train started moving again and the lights came back on.

"Tommy, Walter this is our stop." said their Mother as she was getting up from her seat and over walking towards the door with her husband and daughter.

"So you gonna tell us or what?" asked Walter as he and Tommy are walking over to his family.

"Ninjas never reveal their identities to others because..."

"Ninjas don't want to put innocent lives in harms way." finished Walter

She nodded and Walter waved goodbye to her as he got off at his family's stop. Its only a few more stops until she reached her destination. When she got of the subway, Maria was waiting for her.

"I am so sorry." said Maria as they walked out of the station towards the restaurant.

"Why are you sorry? You didn't cause the subway to breakdown."

"But I know who did and we're about to have dinner with him. It's his way of an apology."

"Apology?! He's going to have to do a lot more than that if he wants to apologize."

* * *

"Hey Tommy look what I found on my dresser." said Walter holding an old Japanese coin up to his brother.

"I got one too. Where do you think it came from?"

"The woman on the train. I knew it, she is a ninja."

"She isn't a ninja."

"Then how was she able to find out where we lived?"

"She must of used some type of technology. Ninja's don't use computers."

"Will how about a modern ninja? Stealthy and knows how to use a computer."

"A modern ninja. I like it."

* * *

Thanks for reading. To the guest who left me a suggestion, that will be used as the next lesson.


	7. Lesson 7

I own nothing.

* * *

 _Lesson 7: Don't get into a bar fight. Yes you'll win but you'll end up in the hospital._

* * *

"Bobbi, I'm going to need you to go to this location." said Coulson after handing Bobbi and sheet of paper.

"Why?" asked Bobbi

"Its May. She's in the hospital with a broken arm. I would go but I've got a full plate today."

"She broke her arm. How did she do that?"

"Its a long story but before you go I need to warn you about May's behavior on morphine."

* * *

"Oh good you're awake."

"Where am I?"

"The hospital. Let me go get the doctor." said the nurse before leaving the room.

The hospital? How did she get from the bar to the hospital? And why was she wearing a cast on her arm?

"Hello. How are you?" asked the doctor

"I'm fine. Do you know what happened because I don't."

"That would be the morphine. You were in a bar fight. It seems you were on the receiving end according to most of the witnesses while others said you were giving you're opponents a beat down. If you want to press charges, I can have the police here in an hour."

A bar fight? She broke her arm in a bar fight. How was that possible? There's no way any bar fight could break her arm. She would know, she's been in a few bar fights throughout her life.

"I won't be pressing charges. How long have I been on morphine?"

She can't be on morphine for a very long time, risk of secrets being spilled along with some other negative side affects.

"A couple of hours. You broke your arm in at least three places, so unless you want to feel pain every single time you move you're going to be on morphine for a while."

"I can handle it."

"I doubt it but let's finish this bag and then we'll talk alright. Also we found a phone number in your pocket, long story short your sister is here. I'll let you two talk." said the doctor before leaving.

Sister? She doesn't have a sister. Unless her mother was telling the truth about having a secret family which could explain why she was in the bar in the first place. No no no...she looked into that multiple times and didn't find anything. So…who is her sister?

"Hey sis." said Bobbi who walked into the room and sat in the chair next to her bed.

"What…."

Her and Bobbi were related?! The secret family is real.

"The hospital called and Coulson couldn't make it so he sent me."

Ok, that makes more sense.

"So no secret family. That's good."

Bobbi stared at her for a couple minutes before responding:

"Secret family? What?"

"Nothing. Do you have any idea what happened? They only told me I was in a bar fight."

"Some dudes were picking on some young girl and wouldn't leave her alone. You stepped in and they taunted you so you slammed one guys head on bar's counter."

"Awesome."

"He has a major concussion. His second friend threw you into a wall so you hit him with a chair but he didn't go down. Then you grabbed the broken chair pieces and stabbed him in the leg."

"I knew it, I was winning. So how did I get a broken arm then? I've been a ton of fights and I've never broken my arm before."

"Coulson was right."

"Right about what?"

"You're even grumpier when you're on morphine."

"I'm not grumpy, I just don't like what the morphine does to me."

"Fine not grumpy. Anyway the third guy stepped on your arm."

"He stepped on it? Where is he?" she said as she's trying to get up off her bed.

"And very demanding. Get back in the bed, you are in no shape to go running off."

"He stepped on my arm Bobbi. I have every right to go after him."

"You can't go after him because he's in jail. He's wanted for murder, you saved the police some trouble."

"Sure did, they should throw me a parade with a whole bunch of those giant balloons. I've always liked the giant turkey. You think turkeys ever come in that size?"

"And here comes the loopy, Coulson had you pegged to a tee. Do you want me to stay until you check out or will you be fine on your own?"

"You can stay the day but I'll be fine on my own."

"Nice as well. He said that only happened once in a blue moon."

"It's the morphine."

"Well you went through most of the stages expect one."

"If you tell anyone about the giant turkey, I'll make you regret it."

"And there's the threat."

* * *

Thanks for reading. Next up: May vs. her phone


	8. Lesson 8

I own nothing. I got the chair idea from The Office episode The Surplus.

* * *

 _Lesson 8: Don't pick up the phone. Turn your phone off and let them leave a message._

* * *

She's gotten a lot of messages since she left for her vacation. Most of them were simple messages about her well being and where she planned to go next. Others were about misplaced objects around the base. Like she would know where they were. Very few were about work. She made Coulson promise that he wouldn't call her unless it was an absolute emergency. He obviously didn't understand the concept of what an emergency actual meant.

 _"Hey May, I saw the funniest thing today."_

 _"Coulson, is this an emergency?"_

 _"Not really but its really funny. You'll get a kick out of it."_

 _"I'm sure I would but I'm on vacation. Write it down and tell me about it when I get back."_

 _"Fine. It won't be as funny when I tell you about it when you return."_

Now that she thought about it, neither did Skye.

 _"May, we're thinking about getting new chairs for the base. Some of us want functional over comfort. I'm leaning towards comfortable. What do you think?"_

 _"I'm thinking about shutting off my phone for good. This does not qualify as an emergency."_

 _"Okay, I see your point but you're the tie breaker so technically this is an emergency. Just not a life or death one."_

Instead of answering, she hung up the phone and snapped it in half. Not the best idea but considering that these calls were getting in her way of relaxing, it was the only thing that seemed reasonable. If she's needed they'll find a way to contact her.

* * *

Its been a week since she destroyed her phone and its been very peaceful. She was in such a good mood that she considered buying a new phone and calling in to see if they reached a decision on the chairs. She was leaning towards…

"Excuse me, are you May?" asked a woman who just appeared in front of her table.

"Why?"

"I just got a text from an unknown number. Here look." said the woman holding out her phone.

 _Sorry to do this but I need you to get the attention of the woman next to you. She responds to May._

"Is this some sort of prank. I only thought things like this happen in the movies." said the woman

"No this is real. Just give me a moment."

 _Who is this?_

 _Wow it worked._ _Who do you think?_

 _This better be important._

 _Do you know how hard it is to find you?_

 _Just because I'm on vacation doesn't mean I don't know how to properly hide if need be. Now what is it, I don't want to keep using this woman's phone._

 _This discussion doesn't really work over texting. We already have a phone lined up for you. Just go to Shaw Street which is about 2 blocks west of where you are. We'll know when you'll get there._

 _Fine._

"Sorry about that." she said while handing the woman her phone back but not before deleting the texts.

"Well who was it?"

"My job. Again I am so sorry about that."

She left after that and headed west towards Shaw Street. Once she gets there, she sees nothing. Not even people. Well if they wanted to get her alone, they succeeded. She walked up Shaw Street and stopped when she saw a telephone booth. Seriously, they couldn't even spring for a cell phone.

"They better be calling me, I'm all out of quarters."

She waits for ten minutes (so much for knowing when she would get there) before a man showed up.

"Are you done?" he said pointing to the phone

"I'm waiting for a call but I've been here for a while and they haven't called so just go ahead."

"Thanks."

He used the phone for at least twenty minutes. She was pretty sure whatever the call was about was illegal but she's on vacation. Maybe she'll call in an anonymous tip.

Its been thirty minutes before the phone finally rings and it does so twice before she answers it.

"You had me waiting here for thirty minutes." she said.

"Sorry, we had some technical difficulties. How are you?" asked Coulson

"Great actually. I was going to call you back later this week to find out if you made a decision on the chairs."

"You're still the tie breaker and this is after we presented both sides of the argument. I can't believe no one changed their minds after my laser show." said Skye

"Am I on speaker?"

"Yes you are Agent May. Now can we please get back to the reason for this call." said Agent Weaver.

"Of course, whenever you're ready."

The council wanted to take a vote on whether they should open up a few small bases around the world. Was she really needed for this? Honestly this is the most useless meeting ever.

"Do you agree, Agent May?" asked Weaver

Before she could answer, someone knocked on the telephone booth door. She looked up and saw that it was that man who was here earlier.

"Are you almost finished?" he asked

"Does it look like I'm finished? Just give me a couple more minutes."

"Um May? Is everything alright?" asked Bobbi

"Some guy wants to use the phone for some illicit activity."

"Are you sure you should say that out loud? Can't he can hear you?"

"Considering he's holding a gun in my face, yes he can. I'm going to have to put you guys on hold for a second."

* * *

All they hear is a man yelling at May to get out of the booth then its dead silent. Soon after they hear a couple of grunts from the man before a gunshot went off.

"May? May! Are you okay?" asked Coulson

They heard a couple more grunts from the man before its suddenly quiet.

"I'm fine. Now about those chairs."

* * *

Thanks for reading. Next up: May meets Paul (Mama May's "Friend"), a continuation of Lesson 5. So was May leaning towards comfortable or functional chairs.


	9. Lesson 9

I own nothing.

* * *

 _Lesson 9: Don't meet you're mother's "friend" and definitely don't go to dinner with him and your mother._

* * *

She met Paul a couple of days after her Mother's book club when they got together to have tea at the house. She didn't' say much besides the usually pleasantries but she observed him and her Mother: they were great together. She liked him and as long as he didn't hurt her Mother she would keep liking him. There was only one thing she didn't like about him:

"So Lian told me that you're on vacation. I remember when I went to Spain, it was beautiful…"

He was a chatterbox and that's saying a lot because she's used to incessant talking but Paul is a whole nother level of chatter.

"We went to the Sagrada Familia. It was amazing, you know I may have some pictures that you could look at. I just have to ask my son how to access them off the computer."

It was like this the whole time until her mother left to go get some napkins after she "spilled" her tea.

"I'm glad we finally got to meet. Lian talks a lot about you." said Paul

"All good hopefully."

"Oh yes. She's always talking about your work and the fact that you're so passionate about it."

"My work?"

What did her mom tell this man?

"Yes as a counselor to troubled youth."

Troubled youth? Couldn't her mom have told this man that she flies planes. At least something she could elaborate on.

"Oh yes, I do miss those kids but everyone needs a break sometime. Where is my mother? I'm just going to go see what's taking her so long."

She got up, walked to the kitchen, and saw her Mom dabbing her dry shirt with a napkin.

"A counselor to troubled youth?! That's what you told him when he asked what I did. Couldn't you have gone with something simpler."

"Yes, I could have said you work for a secret organization and deal with aliens for a living. That would have scared him off."

"And what did you say when he asked the same question."

"I said I used to work for the government."

"And you couldn't say that for me?"

"Well both of us working for the government would seem fishy plus I wanted to make something up."

"But troubled youths?"

"You're surrounded by young ones so most likely they are troubled."

"Your logic astounds me."

"Oh, Lian, something came up at the office. I have to go but we should do this again sometime." said Paul walking into the kitchen interrupting their argument.

"I don't know when all three of us will be together again. Qiaolian is leaving in a couple of days."

"How about dinner tomorrow?"

"Yes that will be perfect. Our usual place?"

"Works for me." he said smiling at the two of them before leaving the house.

"You're usual place." she said smirking at her mother.

* * *

They met up with Paul the next day at the restaurant. They asked for their usual table. How often do they go here? After ordering, she excused herself to the restroom. Its not like she was trying to leave and she couldn't anyway since there was no window in the bathroom. Her Mom was always two steps ahead of her.

She was finishing up in the stall when the bathroom door was slammed open.

"No window. What kind of bathroom doesn't have a window. Now what should I do? What would May do?"

"She would first check and make sure that the bathroom is empty before talking out loud to herself." she said from inside the stall.

"May? Why are you in here? Did I summon you?" asked Skye as she came out of the stall to wash her hands.

"No Skye you didn't summon me. I'm having dinner here. You should have gone through the kitchen, that's where most of the exits are."

"Right. Now are you going to help me get out of here?"

The bathroom door opened again and she saw her Mother enter. Great, this can only get worse.

"Qiaolian, what is taking so long? It shouldn't take this long to use the bathroom."

"Mom, I'm in the middle of something here. This is Skye, one of my _troubled youths_." she said gesturing to Skye who waved hello.

"Troubled youths? What's going on here? I may be young but I'm not troubled. Okay I'm a little troubled." said Skye

"Dinner with my Mom's friend Paul. Just give me five minutes and I'll join you guys. I have to get Skye out of here."

"Aren't you the one training this girl? Didn't you teach her to always go through the kitchen. You're not helping her because I know you won't come back. She's joining us."

With that she walked out of the bathroom and Skye started laughing as they followed her Mother back out into the restaurant.

"What is so funny?"

"You have a Mom and she's amazing."

* * *

"Have the two of you met each other before?" asked Paul to her mother and Skye soon after they returned to the table.

"No, we have not and to tell you the truth I never knew May had a mother. We all thought she was forged with fire from steel." said Skye

"Who is we?" she asked glaring at Skye.

"Its not my fault you never share anything private. You know I still don't know when you're birthday is. Do you even have a birthday?"

"She does. Its in November. Now Skye where were you headed?" asked her Mom after the waiter brought them their food.

She gets through dinner rather unscathed. Skye learned some embarrassing facts about her childhood, apparently her mother is okay with being called Mama May, and Paul was having the time of his life. She however wanted to leave right away but when is life so simple.

"So, shall we get dessert?" asked Paul when the waiter posed the same question a few seconds later.

"I could go for some cake." answered Skye

"Don't you have to leave soon?" she asked. Skye obviously wanted this night to never end.

"I texted Coulson halfway through dinner. He cool with it and wishes he could be here."

"Of course he does."

"Coulson as in Phil. You know him too? Did you meet through Lian's book club?" asked Paul

"Book club? Coulson goes to book club? That explains the stack of books on his desk. No, I met Coulson before I met May even." said Skye

"Is he a counselor as well?"

"Counselor? I guess you could put it that way."

"What other way would you put it?"

"He's actually...ow."

"What she means is Coulson is the director of the counselling center and he assigned Skye to me." she said after finally getting Skye to stop talking (she kicked her).

"Right, troubled youths." said Skye now understanding their bathroom conversation from earlier in the evening.

* * *

They parted ways soon after dessert and Skye suggested that they all should go out to dinner again (Paul insisted they extend the invitation to Coulson as well). Skye was riding back to the house with her since her Mother told Skye that she could spend the night. Her Mother and Paul were taking a walk down the boardwalk which they do often apparently. The only problem was that it was getting dark and oh yeah there was no boardwalk near this restaurant. Real subtle Mom.

"Do you really think we can really do this again? It feels nice to do something normal every once and a while." said Skye

"I guess we could as long as nothing comes up but let's wait a while before we plan something else."

"Okay, I think we should have normal nights at the base too. Maybe start up a book club or become wedding planners."

"Let's change the subject."

"Fine. Anything I should know before entering Mama May's domain."

"Don't open any doors that are closed and no lock picking."

"Got it. How long do you think Mama May and Paul are going to walk down the boardwalk? Its not like the sun is out anymore."

"Skye, there was no boardwalk."

"Oh so that means..."

"Yep."

"Alright Mama May."

* * *

Thanks for reading. Next chapter may be the last one unless someone has any suggestions/ideas.


	10. Lesson 10

I own nothing.

* * *

 _Lesson 10: Don't arrive home earlier than expected._

* * *

"Here we are." said Hunter placing a giant bucket of water balloons on a table.

"Are those water balloons?" asked Mack

"Sort of. Instead of water, there's kool aid." replied Skye walking in with another bucket of water balloons filled to the brim.

"Why?"

"According to Coulson, May is returning in two days so this is our last hurrah." said Hunter

"Last hurrah?" asked Mack

"Yeah, when May gets back we won't have as much fun as we had for the past couple months."

"I thought you and May bonded over trying to kill Ward."

"I wouldn't call it bonding exactly but it doesn't mean that the fun in this place with dramatically decrease the minute she walks onto this base."

"I obviously don't believe any of that. I think it'll be just as fun or more fun when May gets back." said Skye.

"But you're going along with it anyways." said Mack

"Yep. So are you in?"

"What are the rules?"

* * *

She decided to return two days earlier than expected. Vacationing was interesting to say the least. Its been so long since she went on vacation that it took her a while to actually relax. Once she did though it was enjoyable but she was getting antsy now and wanted to do something else other than being a tourist. In other words she was getting bored.

She returned to base in the evening and it was almost empty except for a few people who greeted her with wary smiles. After stopping by her bunk, she walked further into the base she noticed that the ground was wet and the air smelled really sweet. Furthermore the walls were dripping with multicolored liquids. What was that? Kool-aid. Yep its definitely Kool-aid. What was going on here?

Just before she walked into the common area, she noticed that the whole room was covered in Kool-aid and pieces of a….balloon. Who was filling the balloons with Kool-aid and what were they doing with a whole bunch of them? Were they having a balloon fight? With Kool-aid? That will attract the ants. A lot of ants.

She walked carefully into the room and she got half way to the couch (most likely soaked) before she was pummeled with balloons. In a matter of seconds she was soaked and sticky.

"Aha we got you." said Skye popping up from behind the couch along with Fitz whose smiles dropped immediately after seeing who they hit.

"So you did." she said.

"Oh my God. May what are you doing here? Not like its not nice to see you or anything." fumbled out Skye now slowly crouching behind the couch.

"I have a better question. What is going on here?"

They didn't have a chance to answer because she heard screaming and it was headed towards her. Before she could do anything about it, she was immediately grabbed from behind the waist and in a matter of seconds she was even more soaked and sticky from behind. She didn't even have to turn around, she knew who it was. Coulson. He was playing too. Is this what has been happening while she was on her vacation? Was anyone even doing their jobs? Its a wonder the world didn't come to an end in the last couple of months.

"Woo, you guys were right. This is fun." he said to Skye and Fitz not realizing that what he did and to who. So she turned around to look Coulson in the face. He had popped balloons taped to the front of his shirt. The minute he saw her he dropped the rest of the balloons that he had in his hands.

"May?! I am so sorry. What are you doing here? I thought you were coming back in two days."

"I can't come back early."

"You have every right to come back early. You just should have told us."

"And ruin you're balloon fight? Never."

"Just so you know, they pressured me to do this." he said pointing over to Skye and Fitz. They pressured him. He's the Director for Pete's sake.

"Hey don't put this on us. It was all Hunter's idea and Skye's now that I think about it." said Fitz from somewhere behind the couch.

"I just agreed to it. I'm just an accessory." said Skye also from behind the couch.

"And where are Hunter and the others?" she growls.

"No idea."

"Good. Fitz I'm going to need you're help."

"With what?"

"Just bring those two buckets and find me two more."

* * *

"I heard May was back." said Bobbi to Hunter and Mack as they walked down the hallways carrying balloons.

"If she was back I'd be dead by now. They're just trying to spook us." replied Hunter

"Let's just hope that she didn't get hit or she'll be very angry." pointed out Mack

They walk further down the hallway, entered the common area, and saw pieces of balloons and Kool-aid everywhere.

"It looks like a war zone in here." said Bobbi.

"Maybe they got Coulson." said Mack hopefully.

"Nope." said May before yanking a rope and pointing up to where three buckets were filled to the brim with balloons. They quickly tipped over and soaked the three of them. As they were getting soaked, Skye and Fitz quickly pulled Mack and Bobbi out of the room. A fourth bucket was then slowly tipped on its side above Hunter and the biggest balloon rolled out of it and broke right over him.

"Well played May." said Hunter dripping in Kool-aid.

"Thank you. Now you guys have a lot of cleaning up to do. No one showers until the base is Kool-aid and balloon free. Then I'll hand out your gifts." said May before walking to the showers.

"That went better than I thought it would." said Coulson

"Explain." said Bobbi

"She wanted to pop the balloon with her gun but I told her it was a safety hazard."

"She also wanted to fill the balloon with very hot water because Hunter you're in hot water." said Fitz

"Isn't it good to have her back." said Skye.

* * *

Thanks for reading guys and thanks to those who left reviews. Beanie0700 gave me an idea about continuing Lesson 1 and it may be posted in a couple of days. I think I'll name it Back to Work or something to the effect.


End file.
